Lonely

The day *I* decided that we would move back to our home town was the day MIL was having an operation on a stuffed up nerve. She's died twice on the table before and this time, she'd signed a DNR order and we sat there all day waiting for the bad news.

Baby A loves his Nanny so much. And when they visited we were all good. Everything was perfect and I MISSED them.

I didn't really have grandparents growing up and I sat there wondering why I would live in a place that made it so that Baby A wouldn't really get to know his. When they were obviously so happy to be around each other.

So we moved back. And I don't think there has been a day since that I haven't regretted it.

And now we have Baby B on the way and I feel LONELY!

Back "home" I had just a few friends. Friends that begged us not to go and friends that we told we needed to be back with family. Those same friends would have helped us and supported us as best they could all the way through this pregnancy. And through the first months.

I suffered from PND last time. Not just I got a bit sad but I had to be hospitalized for a couple weeks and needed very intensive treatment. And I fear that I'll go through that again. Alone.

I am so scared. I sat and cried alone in the bath tonight because I just can't see that MIL is going to help at all. She seems more interested in telling people about the blanket she is making for the baby than actually saying "And here is the DIL who will give me my new grand baby" or asking "How is the pregnancy going? How is Baby B going?"

She doesn't ask how I am feeling. And when I told her how scared I was she said it was simple, once again. Just stop getting pregnant. Or "you wanted this" like that helps to calm my nerves when I am scared I wont cope.

I'm even sitting here scared of going in to labor. Like the woman clearly is not happy that I'm pregnant and well, what do I do when I go in to labor?? Can I call her?? Can I call her and DEPEND on her?? Because we actually have no one else who could look after Baby A while I go. And I have visions of her saying she WONT do it, just so that OMH has to stay home and look after him while I have to go through my first labor alone.

This is what breaks my heart about moving here FOR HER. Because my friends back home, would have had Baby A during that time without even batting an eye. Those friends, that were unconditional friends. I miss them with all of my heart and today, I cried to be away from them.

I'm just really scared. I'm scared of not coping. I'm scared of the support I and we will get if I am not coping. Because we all know that these things you just "Get over it" right? And I don't even WANT her to have Baby A while I go in to hospital to have Baby B. If she's not happy about me being pregnant then why should I be happy about her taking my child so I can have a baby she doesn't want here.

Scared. Lonely and lost. All because her love comes with the condition that you do what she wants when she wants and her way. Without ever having a thought of your own and certainly without ever saying how you feel about her and what she is saying.