Lonely

The day *I* decided that we would move back to our home town was the day MIL was having an operation on a stuffed up nerve. She's died twice on the table before and this time, she'd signed a DNR order and we sat there all day waiting for the bad news.

Baby A loves his Nanny so much. And when they visited we were all good. Everything was perfect and I MISSED them.

I didn't really have grandparents growing up and I sat there wondering why I would live in a place that made it so that Baby A wouldn't really get to know his. When they were obviously so happy to be around each other.

So we moved back. And I don't think there has been a day since that I haven't regretted it.

And now we have Baby B on the way and I feel LONELY!

Back "home" I had just a few friends. Friends that begged us not to go and friends that we told we needed to be back with family. Those same friends would have helped us and supported us as best they could all the way through this pregnancy. And through the first months.

I suffered from PND last time. Not just I got a bit sad but I had to be hospitalized for a couple weeks and needed very intensive treatment. And I fear that I'll go through that again. Alone.

I am so scared. I sat and cried alone in the bath tonight because I just can't see that MIL is going to help at all. She seems more interested in telling people about the blanket she is making for the baby than actually saying "And here is the DIL who will give me my new grand baby" or asking "How is the pregnancy going? How is Baby B going?"

She doesn't ask how I am feeling. And when I told her how scared I was she said it was simple, once again. Just stop getting pregnant. Or "you wanted this" like that helps to calm my nerves when I am scared I wont cope.

I'm even sitting here scared of going in to labor. Like the woman clearly is not happy that I'm pregnant and well, what do I do when I go in to labor?? Can I call her?? Can I call her and DEPEND on her?? Because we actually have no one else who could look after Baby A while I go. And I have visions of her saying she WONT do it, just so that OMH has to stay home and look after him while I have to go through my first labor alone.

This is what breaks my heart about moving here FOR HER. Because my friends back home, would have had Baby A during that time without even batting an eye. Those friends, that were unconditional friends. I miss them with all of my heart and today, I cried to be away from them.

I'm just really scared. I'm scared of not coping. I'm scared of the support I and we will get if I am not coping. Because we all know that these things you just "Get over it" right? And I don't even WANT her to have Baby A while I go in to hospital to have Baby B. If she's not happy about me being pregnant then why should I be happy about her taking my child so I can have a baby she doesn't want here.

Scared. Lonely and lost. All because her love comes with the condition that you do what she wants when she wants and her way. Without ever having a thought of your own and certainly without ever saying how you feel about her and what she is saying.

Making a Stand

I know right? I haven't posted for a few weeks. But don't let that fool you. It doesn't mean oh might mother in law died or anything. We just didn't SEE her for a while.

But then! Yes! Then! We went out for dinner with them today. And I just happened to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes today. So the topic is hot with me.

I had it during my last pregnancy. And last pregnancy she tried to tell me that having GD would mean that my child would without a doubt have type 2 diabetes when it was born. Which is completely untrue.

Tonight, while at dinner she tried to tell me all about what she knows. And I'm sorry, but she has no fucking clue. Everything she demanded of me related directly to actual diabetes, NOT gestational diabetes. For example, ALL I have to do is lose weight (while pregnant) and the GD will go away. This may be true for diabetics, but it is NOT true for GD, because it is specifically the placenta that causes GD.

And I'm sorry, but one does not equal the other.

So we tried to explain to her, that the second the placenta has been removed, I will no longer have diabetes. That everything "gestational diabetes" is ONLY because I am pregnant.

And I remind you, we are OUT for dinner. And she starts YELLING at me.

She yell's across the table " Then it's easy. DON'T GET PREGNANT EVER"

And I say "That's silly" and she yell's that it's not silly. Stop getting pregnant.

This woman is talking to me like I have had twenty babies. I have one. And one on the way. And I will not tolerate being told what to fucking do by this woman.

So I said "Stop being silly. Can't we have a conversation with you without you being SILLY"

And I was ready to walk out. I could have given two hoots that we didn't even have our entree meals yet. I was going to go if she said one more uneducated thing to me.

Then she calmed down. Maybe I've got through to her I think. Because she starts asking reasonable questions about how they're going to treat it. And I tell her, through diet. And if that doesn't work I will HAVE to take insulin injections.

And she starts AGAIN! Yelling at me like I'm a seven year old child not doing what she is told when she is told.

Telling me that the second I go on insulin injections I will be on insulin injections ALL of my life. Comparing me to "nan" who...I might add, was a DIABETIC. Because we hadn't JUST told her that having gestational diabetes has NOTHING to do with being a diabetic.

I'm really angry at this woman. Because she has NO right to tell me how many kids I have or that the easy solution is to not get pregnant. I am sure I am not the only woman in history to have another baby (ie: get pregnant) even though the chances of repeat GD are good.

I get the feeling that she's just ANGRY that I'm pregnant. She thought that when oh mighty husband was diagnosed with MS that we would decide not to have more kids. But that was never our plan and she's angry that we've done it without her blessing.

From ALL of the information given us by HIS neurologists, my fertility specialists AND every other Dr like person we have ever spoken to, says it is perfectly safe for people with MS to procreate. Yet she believes that we have just killed another child or something.

Might I remind you that when we told her we were pregnant there was no congratulations. There was no big hugs and excitement of new baby to the family. All she said was "you're fucking kidding me?"

Nice.

I am so over being quiet when she get's in to her all mighty I am right and you WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO moods. I am slowly but surely figuring out that it's not actually worth keeping the peace with her for the sake of my husband. Because there is nothing I could do that would keep this woman happy. And the sooner we can move away (it's hell, that we have at least four years before we can move away) the better.

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when we left there this evening.