Lonely

The day *I* decided that we would move back to our home town was the day MIL was having an operation on a stuffed up nerve. She's died twice on the table before and this time, she'd signed a DNR order and we sat there all day waiting for the bad news.

Baby A loves his Nanny so much. And when they visited we were all good. Everything was perfect and I MISSED them.

I didn't really have grandparents growing up and I sat there wondering why I would live in a place that made it so that Baby A wouldn't really get to know his. When they were obviously so happy to be around each other.

So we moved back. And I don't think there has been a day since that I haven't regretted it.

And now we have Baby B on the way and I feel LONELY!

Back "home" I had just a few friends. Friends that begged us not to go and friends that we told we needed to be back with family. Those same friends would have helped us and supported us as best they could all the way through this pregnancy. And through the first months.

I suffered from PND last time. Not just I got a bit sad but I had to be hospitalized for a couple weeks and needed very intensive treatment. And I fear that I'll go through that again. Alone.

I am so scared. I sat and cried alone in the bath tonight because I just can't see that MIL is going to help at all. She seems more interested in telling people about the blanket she is making for the baby than actually saying "And here is the DIL who will give me my new grand baby" or asking "How is the pregnancy going? How is Baby B going?"

She doesn't ask how I am feeling. And when I told her how scared I was she said it was simple, once again. Just stop getting pregnant. Or "you wanted this" like that helps to calm my nerves when I am scared I wont cope.

I'm even sitting here scared of going in to labor. Like the woman clearly is not happy that I'm pregnant and well, what do I do when I go in to labor?? Can I call her?? Can I call her and DEPEND on her?? Because we actually have no one else who could look after Baby A while I go. And I have visions of her saying she WONT do it, just so that OMH has to stay home and look after him while I have to go through my first labor alone.

This is what breaks my heart about moving here FOR HER. Because my friends back home, would have had Baby A during that time without even batting an eye. Those friends, that were unconditional friends. I miss them with all of my heart and today, I cried to be away from them.

I'm just really scared. I'm scared of not coping. I'm scared of the support I and we will get if I am not coping. Because we all know that these things you just "Get over it" right? And I don't even WANT her to have Baby A while I go in to hospital to have Baby B. If she's not happy about me being pregnant then why should I be happy about her taking my child so I can have a baby she doesn't want here.

Scared. Lonely and lost. All because her love comes with the condition that you do what she wants when she wants and her way. Without ever having a thought of your own and certainly without ever saying how you feel about her and what she is saying.

Making a Stand

I know right? I haven't posted for a few weeks. But don't let that fool you. It doesn't mean oh might mother in law died or anything. We just didn't SEE her for a while.

But then! Yes! Then! We went out for dinner with them today. And I just happened to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes today. So the topic is hot with me.

I had it during my last pregnancy. And last pregnancy she tried to tell me that having GD would mean that my child would without a doubt have type 2 diabetes when it was born. Which is completely untrue.

Tonight, while at dinner she tried to tell me all about what she knows. And I'm sorry, but she has no fucking clue. Everything she demanded of me related directly to actual diabetes, NOT gestational diabetes. For example, ALL I have to do is lose weight (while pregnant) and the GD will go away. This may be true for diabetics, but it is NOT true for GD, because it is specifically the placenta that causes GD.

And I'm sorry, but one does not equal the other.

So we tried to explain to her, that the second the placenta has been removed, I will no longer have diabetes. That everything "gestational diabetes" is ONLY because I am pregnant.

And I remind you, we are OUT for dinner. And she starts YELLING at me.

She yell's across the table " Then it's easy. DON'T GET PREGNANT EVER"

And I say "That's silly" and she yell's that it's not silly. Stop getting pregnant.

This woman is talking to me like I have had twenty babies. I have one. And one on the way. And I will not tolerate being told what to fucking do by this woman.

So I said "Stop being silly. Can't we have a conversation with you without you being SILLY"

And I was ready to walk out. I could have given two hoots that we didn't even have our entree meals yet. I was going to go if she said one more uneducated thing to me.

Then she calmed down. Maybe I've got through to her I think. Because she starts asking reasonable questions about how they're going to treat it. And I tell her, through diet. And if that doesn't work I will HAVE to take insulin injections.

And she starts AGAIN! Yelling at me like I'm a seven year old child not doing what she is told when she is told.

Telling me that the second I go on insulin injections I will be on insulin injections ALL of my life. Comparing me to "nan" who...I might add, was a DIABETIC. Because we hadn't JUST told her that having gestational diabetes has NOTHING to do with being a diabetic.

I'm really angry at this woman. Because she has NO right to tell me how many kids I have or that the easy solution is to not get pregnant. I am sure I am not the only woman in history to have another baby (ie: get pregnant) even though the chances of repeat GD are good.

I get the feeling that she's just ANGRY that I'm pregnant. She thought that when oh mighty husband was diagnosed with MS that we would decide not to have more kids. But that was never our plan and she's angry that we've done it without her blessing.

From ALL of the information given us by HIS neurologists, my fertility specialists AND every other Dr like person we have ever spoken to, says it is perfectly safe for people with MS to procreate. Yet she believes that we have just killed another child or something.

Might I remind you that when we told her we were pregnant there was no congratulations. There was no big hugs and excitement of new baby to the family. All she said was "you're fucking kidding me?"

Nice.

I am so over being quiet when she get's in to her all mighty I am right and you WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO moods. I am slowly but surely figuring out that it's not actually worth keeping the peace with her for the sake of my husband. Because there is nothing I could do that would keep this woman happy. And the sooner we can move away (it's hell, that we have at least four years before we can move away) the better.

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when we left there this evening.

Under my skin

Everyone that I have the freedom to talk about how she makes me feel about to, will wonder WHY on earth she get's to me so much.

OMH will say "You've known her now for many years and still she bother's you?"

And my mother would just tell me not to LE T her get to me.

But you know what actually annoys me the most??

If my MIL was ANY other person annoying me, hurting me, disrespecting me or degrading me (as she does) I would just say so. I would just come right out and tell them they're being a bitch, or that they're not worth knowing.

But any other person would actually listen to what I was saying, perhaps take it in to account...and maybe even try not to do it any more.

Not my mother in law.

If yesterday when she had told me to SHUT UP I had got up and told her what a fucking bitch she is and told her how she can either learn to respect me or not see me ever again...then we'd never see her again.

And that sounds great. But being the person that I am...I would then spend the rest of my days getting blamed for breaking up the family. And I would then spend the rest of my nights awake actually wondering what *I* had done wrong to cause all of this trouble.

And then my marriage would break down because I wouldn't be able to let it go.

And THAT is why that woman get's under my skin so much. Because I can't say anything, or I break the family up. And if I did say something...she wouldn't listen and it wouldn't make a difference.

What I should have said...or done.

Today, for the first time in a week or two, we visited the evil Mother in Law.

OMH and I had just bought a new bassinet for Baby B and had taken it over to show them.

While discussing this new purchase, MIL started talking about making a blanket for it. And I, being a logical person...thought it best to make a crib blanket. Since when baby B will be born...it will be the middle of summer. And there will be no need for a blanket in the bassinet.

Sorry to be the voice of reason.

So out of the blue she says "I'm HIS grandmother and I can make a bassinet AND a crib blanket if I want NOW SHUT UP!"

I did the right thing. I told her she was being rude and not to tell me to shut up. But she continued to do it.

If I'd not been caught so out of the blue and by surprise I think I might have got up, grabbed Baby A and walked out, telling her that she can be a bitch to whoever she wants but I wasn't going to stand for it.

And OMH would be stuck there with a confused look on his face. Because his all mighty mother is very powerful in her family and well, he doesn't want to get in my bad books. So I might have added to my assault "And YOU grow a pair of ball's and TELL your mother to stop being a bitch to YOUR wife" and walked out.

But of course I didn't. She continued to tell me to shut up if I was telling her not to be rude. I would say "Don't be rude" and she'd say "Shut up" and I'd say "That is so rude" and she'd say "Shut up"

My life is just an ongoing list of things I should have said. But I told OMH tonight that she caught me off guard and I was unprepared for it. If it, or anything like it happens I may not bite my tongue. And why should I? Right??

Fucking bitch.

A funny thing happened...

A funny thing happened.

I started this blog. For no other reason than to bitch about my mother in law.

And then guess what happened??

I figured something out!!!

I figured out that my Mother in Law (and father in law) is a bully. A great big fat nasty BULLY.

And from then on, things have changed.

Not because SHE changed. But because *I* changed.

Because I all of a sudden stopped hearing what she was saying as anything other than "nasty nasty nasty!!"

And, who in their right mind WANTS to be bullied? I for one...don't.

So I figured that the best way to not get bullied (because there would be no quietly having a word with MIL to let her know that she hurts my feelings and drives me batty) is to stay away.

We used to visit every week. Sometimes twice a week. Just because.

Now, I wont go unless I have to.

It's been almost 2 weeks since we visited. And I feel great!

PARANOID!

I have to say that since starting this blog I've become just a little bit paranoid about the people who are coming over to have a look.

I know the people I have directly invited to come and have a look. But I have also mentioned it on a forum of mine, which I have always assumed my MIL doesn't know I'm at. Or at least, she's not smart enough to look for me. Too busy playing stupid games.

But then I install that thingee over there that tells me the places people are coming from without telling me who they are and that GLEN WAVERLY person pops up from time to time.

So I wonder, who is this person...who I do not know. Who lives not an hour and a half from me and half an hour from my SIL??

Care to post a comment...so I can feel safe here on my site again??

Smile and the world smiles with you...

Cry, and you cry alone.

How TRUE is that statement??

What really pisses me off is that I have this other blog. A family blog where, until I moved closer to the all mighty mother in law, I wrote everything that was going on in our lives. Not just first steps or what we've been doing. But the bad moods too. The good and the bad got reported on the blog for the world to see.

But now we're closer I get to hear what OMM (and OMF) have to say about it. And the main thing I hear over and over AND OVER again is how I (quote) "Don't want to be all depressing, you don't NEED that"

Are you fucking kidding me? We moved states...we got a great job. A nice house that we could afford because of said great job. And then BANG! Multiple Sclerosis and Oh Mighty Husband not only can't use part of his body, but can't work. Can't earn a living and loses his job.

But heaven forbid we actually express how fucked up our lives are right now. Heaven forbid we write the truth on there about how the MS has affected our lives. Our living arrangements. Our MARRIAGE.

It all has to be kept secret. I'm not even allowed to tell them that OMH is having therapy. Because he SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS!?

As far as they are both concerned, we should just get over it. We should just be happy to be alive. And oh how I would love to write that I sometimes wonder why I didn't succeed that first time I tried to commit suicide. Or how OMH often thinks that we would be better off if he killed himself so we could get his life insurance and get ahead on bills. Like that might actually be a good option.

So here we are. Writing in secret. Because writing is my way of getting it out. My way of not having to lay in bed for 6 hours each night wondering about the things that have been said and the things that SHOULD have been said.

I know, it's my blog. And it's my life. And I have NO IDEA why that woman (and her husband) get under my skin so much. But they do. And now that we're so close to them...I feel the weight of their judgment more than ever. I feel them restricting me because they think it's not right to be depressing on a blog.

I'm angry that they think life is so easy. No. I'm ANGRY that they don't acknowledge that life just got hard for us. That the things we have gone through in just these last few months might have crippled other families and yet we some how manage to smile sometimes.

For now, I'll come here to tell the truth about how life really is. And keep the happy snaps to the blog where everything is just peachy.

Life sucks.