Don't mind us, we don't need you...

In 2012 I had to have surgery. Surgery for an injury that I sustained at work in 2003. It was on the cards form 2010, I was on the waiting list. Waiting, in terrible pain to get this thing done so I could live a normal life. 

For some reason OMM blamed me for this need for surgery. Nothing to do with my work , which she knew about. But everything to do with me going for a 5 minute ride on the back of a motor bike in 2012. Yup. That caused it. I'd only been in agony for 2 years now for this inury but..,it was the bike ride just before my surgery that caused it. A bike ride I chose to go on, and hence must have caused all of this need for surgery!? 

I went in on a Tuesday. My own mother came down to look after the kids at home so that OMH could be in hospital and still attend exams at school. She once again travelled 6000kms to help out when we needed it. 

OMM didn't even offer. Not when we found out the date I was having the surgery. Not in the week leading up to it. Not even a single question as to what OMH would do with the kids while I was in  surgery for 4 hours and then, in hospital for a week of recovery. 

I wasn't at all surprised when she didn't call even OMH the day of, the day after or even the following week to see how either I, OMH OR the kids were doing. No offer to make meals, babysit, help clean, take the pressure off. Nothing. Not surprising. 

What did surprise me though was when OMM was under the impression that Baby A was going to have his own surgery this year. A major, major surgery. More major than mine, which left me pretty disabled for a few months. He would have been bed bound for 8 full weeks. In a half body cast. Unable to attent school, unable to even roll over in bed by himself. 

The surgery was cancelled last minute. A little upsetting for us, as we'd been waiting for this since Baby A was born. For the answer to all of our problems, his problems, to be implemented. Only, they weren't the answers. They couldn't go ahead. 

It took us a few days to let people know. We visited OMM and OMF the Saturday just a few days later to let them know. We explained it very clearly to them that day. I specifically remember having that conversation with them. Something about how my memory works that makes me know its true. I remember the table, as it had a specific catalogue on it. I remember trying to use my hands on the table to try and explain exactly why the surgery had been a good idea last year, but a bad idea with new results this year. I remember clearly how I explained it. My Mum found out via phone. My Dad found out through facebook. He didn't even get the courtesy of a phone call. But I'm 100% sure we had told OMM. 

But 7 days after his scheduled surgery she called to find out how he had gone. How had his surgery gone? How is he feeling now? (Even though we'd told them about the cancellation)

She doesn't like me. So she didn't call. Didn't offer to help us in any way because somehow my bike ride 9 years after my initial injury, was why I needed this surgery. And so, my fault...why should she offer to help? Why would she call to see how my surgery was, even to offer her terrified son some moral support? I didn't expect it. I predicted it. 

But why would she not call about Baby A's super major surgery? If, she knew he would be in hospital for a minimum of 2 weeks, why did it take a week to call just to see how it went? When she was just 5 minutes away and OMH would have been looking after Baby B, working AND trying to visit Baby A in hospital...would she not offer her hand in assistance BEFORE the surgery? Let us know or even a simple statement, "if there's anything I can do let me know?" WhY didn't she want to come and see him in hospital!?

I wasn't surprised when she didn't call about me. Though not offering to help OMH get through his exams and everything about that was a bit...unmotherly. 

But to not give one single fuck about Baby A. To not offer a single minute of help. Why?? 

Happy Birthday to me!

I haven't spoken to the OMM for three weeks now.

And it feels GREAT!

I have a heap I could write about but wanted to share with you my last birthday.

OMM and OMF took me out for dinner. With OMH and his brother and his brother's new girlfriend.

I had a middle ear infection and a sinus infection. I was not feeling very well at all. I could barely keep my balance and I was feverish as well.

My son needed to have his diaper changed and she offered to help me. On our way to the change room I offered her an apology for being such bad company and explained I was not feeling well. Please note, we were living with her for three weeks while we waited to get access to our new house so she knew full well that I hadn't been well for days. She accepted my apology and we did what we had to do and moved back to the table.

I was sitting next to her. And I had a dizzy spell, put my hand on her shoulder to stabilize and moaned with the pain it caused in my ear.

She looked over at me and snapped "Whats WRONG with YOU!?" I reminded her that I had a middle ear infection, was not feeling well and my ear was hurting me.

I really don't know why she did this. But it seemed to me that she was showing off for the new girlfriend. It seemed to me she had something to prove. I don't know what it was or why she had to do it but she announced in a snarl "Oh yeah? Well maybe I should slap your other ear and then you wouldn't notice?"

I was really hurt by that. And stunned. And speechless. I did not say anything back to her. I did not tell her I thought she was a bitch, even though it had crossed my mind.

Tell me people. Why do I sit and put up with her shit?? Why do I feel the need to LET HER WALK ALL OVER ME, when more than half of our time spent together is spent her being nasty to me. For no reason?

I've spent these last few years wondering what I am doing wrong. Why she does this to me and why I care so much. I've figured in the last few weeks of no contact that I'm probably not doing anything wrong. And I care so much because it should not BE LIKE THIS. That it probably would not matter how far up her ass I shoved my head, she would eventually find a way (not reason, she has no reason for this behavior) to make my life miserable. To belittle me, to undermine my parenting. To be rude to me in front of other people and then deny it ever happened.

Right this minute, neither OMH or I have spoken to her or anyone in his family for three weeks. OMM and I had a fight and I told OMH that I had had enough and his mother and his family could kiss my ass. He totally agrees (since the fight she and I had we are in total agreement on) We have no intention at this time to go sucking back. But having said that, SHE HAS NO IDEA we're even pissed at her. She has NO IDEA that she's totally crossed our line. She thinks we're busy, and have stayed away because we have things we really need to do at this time of year. Even though the last time she and I spoke, it all got very nasty.

She's a fucking moron.

Long time no post

I'd love to say that I haven't posted in a long time because there have been no issues. But the honest truth is that there have been bigger issues than my monster in law to deal with. Posting here is far down on my list of things to get done at the end of each day.

I've figured some things out recently.

It's ironic that we moved back to our home town specifically to be closer to OMM. Funny right?? Because when she visited, she was the most amazing grandmother to my child. And since I missed out on grandparents being caring and actively involved in my life, I wanted that for my kids. I want them to have THAT relationship with their grandparents. It seemed unfair of me to be living so far away where a web cam chat and occasional visit was all they could get from someone that clearly loved and adored them.

But come closer.

The truth is far from that. Living closer has made us see that she is still the same old manipulative woman that we originally left town to avoid. When OMM gets a bee in her bonnet, it's a big one. And it somehow means that if she's got a problem with me (ie: me defending myself) then she ALSO ignores my child.

When OMH got diagnosed with MS and she didn't think he HAD MS I asked her to stop and think about him, instead of herself. I asked her to be there for her son during a really tough time. And since she didn't think he had MS and didn't appreciate being told to be her son's MOTHER she didn't talk to me, or help me out or anything for weeks on end. And for weeks on end, she ignored my child. Her grandchild. She wouldn't touch him, hug him or talk to him. And if he tried to give her hugs or talk to her she would be really harsh with him and ignore his innocent advances.

When we had our little tiff over me having gestational diabetes the same thing happened. She ignored Baby A for a week. He would run in to her house and yell out "Granny" with open arms as he always does. And she would just hmph and ignore him.

It's really not only when she's got a pole stuck up her ass that she's different. Compared to how she treated Baby A when it was just the occasional visit, she has changed. She doesn't treat him nearly as nicely as she did back then. It's just cruel too see him run at her with love and affection and see him get rejected that way. It's awful to see him ask her for a hug and he say "not now I'm busy" when all she's doing is making a coffee. Or watching TV.

OMH, despite his better judgment, has decided to go back to work next year once he finishes his first year of a four year course. We will save and we will move away. Because it seems to us that the only way for our kids to have nice, loving caring and actively involved grandparents...is to only have them visit twice a year.

And that woman fucks with my head and I am over it.

Lonely

The day *I* decided that we would move back to our home town was the day MIL was having an operation on a stuffed up nerve. She's died twice on the table before and this time, she'd signed a DNR order and we sat there all day waiting for the bad news.

Baby A loves his Nanny so much. And when they visited we were all good. Everything was perfect and I MISSED them.

I didn't really have grandparents growing up and I sat there wondering why I would live in a place that made it so that Baby A wouldn't really get to know his. When they were obviously so happy to be around each other.

So we moved back. And I don't think there has been a day since that I haven't regretted it.

And now we have Baby B on the way and I feel LONELY!

Back "home" I had just a few friends. Friends that begged us not to go and friends that we told we needed to be back with family. Those same friends would have helped us and supported us as best they could all the way through this pregnancy. And through the first months.

I suffered from PND last time. Not just I got a bit sad but I had to be hospitalized for a couple weeks and needed very intensive treatment. And I fear that I'll go through that again. Alone.

I am so scared. I sat and cried alone in the bath tonight because I just can't see that MIL is going to help at all. She seems more interested in telling people about the blanket she is making for the baby than actually saying "And here is the DIL who will give me my new grand baby" or asking "How is the pregnancy going? How is Baby B going?"

She doesn't ask how I am feeling. And when I told her how scared I was she said it was simple, once again. Just stop getting pregnant. Or "you wanted this" like that helps to calm my nerves when I am scared I wont cope.

I'm even sitting here scared of going in to labor. Like the woman clearly is not happy that I'm pregnant and well, what do I do when I go in to labor?? Can I call her?? Can I call her and DEPEND on her?? Because we actually have no one else who could look after Baby A while I go. And I have visions of her saying she WONT do it, just so that OMH has to stay home and look after him while I have to go through my first labor alone.

This is what breaks my heart about moving here FOR HER. Because my friends back home, would have had Baby A during that time without even batting an eye. Those friends, that were unconditional friends. I miss them with all of my heart and today, I cried to be away from them.

I'm just really scared. I'm scared of not coping. I'm scared of the support I and we will get if I am not coping. Because we all know that these things you just "Get over it" right? And I don't even WANT her to have Baby A while I go in to hospital to have Baby B. If she's not happy about me being pregnant then why should I be happy about her taking my child so I can have a baby she doesn't want here.

Scared. Lonely and lost. All because her love comes with the condition that you do what she wants when she wants and her way. Without ever having a thought of your own and certainly without ever saying how you feel about her and what she is saying.

Making a Stand

I know right? I haven't posted for a few weeks. But don't let that fool you. It doesn't mean oh might mother in law died or anything. We just didn't SEE her for a while.

But then! Yes! Then! We went out for dinner with them today. And I just happened to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes today. So the topic is hot with me.

I had it during my last pregnancy. And last pregnancy she tried to tell me that having GD would mean that my child would without a doubt have type 2 diabetes when it was born. Which is completely untrue.

Tonight, while at dinner she tried to tell me all about what she knows. And I'm sorry, but she has no fucking clue. Everything she demanded of me related directly to actual diabetes, NOT gestational diabetes. For example, ALL I have to do is lose weight (while pregnant) and the GD will go away. This may be true for diabetics, but it is NOT true for GD, because it is specifically the placenta that causes GD.

And I'm sorry, but one does not equal the other.

So we tried to explain to her, that the second the placenta has been removed, I will no longer have diabetes. That everything "gestational diabetes" is ONLY because I am pregnant.

And I remind you, we are OUT for dinner. And she starts YELLING at me.

She yell's across the table " Then it's easy. DON'T GET PREGNANT EVER"

And I say "That's silly" and she yell's that it's not silly. Stop getting pregnant.

This woman is talking to me like I have had twenty babies. I have one. And one on the way. And I will not tolerate being told what to fucking do by this woman.

So I said "Stop being silly. Can't we have a conversation with you without you being SILLY"

And I was ready to walk out. I could have given two hoots that we didn't even have our entree meals yet. I was going to go if she said one more uneducated thing to me.

Then she calmed down. Maybe I've got through to her I think. Because she starts asking reasonable questions about how they're going to treat it. And I tell her, through diet. And if that doesn't work I will HAVE to take insulin injections.

And she starts AGAIN! Yelling at me like I'm a seven year old child not doing what she is told when she is told.

Telling me that the second I go on insulin injections I will be on insulin injections ALL of my life. Comparing me to "nan" who...I might add, was a DIABETIC. Because we hadn't JUST told her that having gestational diabetes has NOTHING to do with being a diabetic.

I'm really angry at this woman. Because she has NO right to tell me how many kids I have or that the easy solution is to not get pregnant. I am sure I am not the only woman in history to have another baby (ie: get pregnant) even though the chances of repeat GD are good.

I get the feeling that she's just ANGRY that I'm pregnant. She thought that when oh mighty husband was diagnosed with MS that we would decide not to have more kids. But that was never our plan and she's angry that we've done it without her blessing.

From ALL of the information given us by HIS neurologists, my fertility specialists AND every other Dr like person we have ever spoken to, says it is perfectly safe for people with MS to procreate. Yet she believes that we have just killed another child or something.

Might I remind you that when we told her we were pregnant there was no congratulations. There was no big hugs and excitement of new baby to the family. All she said was "you're fucking kidding me?"

Nice.

I am so over being quiet when she get's in to her all mighty I am right and you WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO moods. I am slowly but surely figuring out that it's not actually worth keeping the peace with her for the sake of my husband. Because there is nothing I could do that would keep this woman happy. And the sooner we can move away (it's hell, that we have at least four years before we can move away) the better.

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when we left there this evening.

Under my skin

Everyone that I have the freedom to talk about how she makes me feel about to, will wonder WHY on earth she get's to me so much.

OMH will say "You've known her now for many years and still she bother's you?"

And my mother would just tell me not to LE T her get to me.

But you know what actually annoys me the most??

If my MIL was ANY other person annoying me, hurting me, disrespecting me or degrading me (as she does) I would just say so. I would just come right out and tell them they're being a bitch, or that they're not worth knowing.

But any other person would actually listen to what I was saying, perhaps take it in to account...and maybe even try not to do it any more.

Not my mother in law.

If yesterday when she had told me to SHUT UP I had got up and told her what a fucking bitch she is and told her how she can either learn to respect me or not see me ever again...then we'd never see her again.

And that sounds great. But being the person that I am...I would then spend the rest of my days getting blamed for breaking up the family. And I would then spend the rest of my nights awake actually wondering what *I* had done wrong to cause all of this trouble.

And then my marriage would break down because I wouldn't be able to let it go.

And THAT is why that woman get's under my skin so much. Because I can't say anything, or I break the family up. And if I did say something...she wouldn't listen and it wouldn't make a difference.

What I should have said...or done.

Today, for the first time in a week or two, we visited the evil Mother in Law.

OMH and I had just bought a new bassinet for Baby B and had taken it over to show them.

While discussing this new purchase, MIL started talking about making a blanket for it. And I, being a logical person...thought it best to make a crib blanket. Since when baby B will be born...it will be the middle of summer. And there will be no need for a blanket in the bassinet.

Sorry to be the voice of reason.

So out of the blue she says "I'm HIS grandmother and I can make a bassinet AND a crib blanket if I want NOW SHUT UP!"

I did the right thing. I told her she was being rude and not to tell me to shut up. But she continued to do it.

If I'd not been caught so out of the blue and by surprise I think I might have got up, grabbed Baby A and walked out, telling her that she can be a bitch to whoever she wants but I wasn't going to stand for it.

And OMH would be stuck there with a confused look on his face. Because his all mighty mother is very powerful in her family and well, he doesn't want to get in my bad books. So I might have added to my assault "And YOU grow a pair of ball's and TELL your mother to stop being a bitch to YOUR wife" and walked out.

But of course I didn't. She continued to tell me to shut up if I was telling her not to be rude. I would say "Don't be rude" and she'd say "Shut up" and I'd say "That is so rude" and she'd say "Shut up"

My life is just an ongoing list of things I should have said. But I told OMH tonight that she caught me off guard and I was unprepared for it. If it, or anything like it happens I may not bite my tongue. And why should I? Right??

Fucking bitch.